Men with Adult ADD. The Effect on Their Families.
The Sydney Morning Herald has an article on the problems of Adult ADD
I get wives on the phone saying, ‘If he doesn’t get help soon, I’m leaving,”‘ says Joy Toll of ADDults with ADHD (NSW),a voluntary organisation. Toll works on the organisation’s helpline.
Unfortunately some men who have ADD but are not officially diagnosed often stay in denial too long, sometimes with severe negative consequence. I have had many calls and emails from men who are in the midst of:
a) severe relationship problems with their wife/girlfriend
b) an ongoing divorce
c) just getting out of a divorce
where untreated ADD is a large factor in the these problems.
Sometimes they don’t know they might have ADD, other times they were told but didn’t want to admit it.
The cost of denial can be very high. Some of my ADD coaching clients have no problem with ADD at work, they’ve managed to find an ADD friendly job and modified it to work well for them, but do have problems at home due to ADD. I often coach them about developing better communication skills around issues of stress and time management.
It’s especially important for people with ADHD to try and learn these skills before having children - not only do they manage parenting better, but the children are less likely to replicate the same patterns of behaviour,” she says.
But for many people, the first inkling they have ADHD is when their own children are diagnosed with the disorder - and a parent sees their own childhood behaviour mirrored in their sons or daughters, explains Dr Julian Trollo r, a neuropsychiatrist with the Neuropsychiatric Institute at the Prince of Wales Hospital.
That’s why I think it’s so crucial that people who think they have ADD need to learn more about it and if necessary see an medical professional to find out if they have ADD or not.
Getting a diagnosis of ADD doesn’t mean someone will put a gun to your head and force a pill down your throat. You get to decide how you treat your ADD if you have it. You get to enjoy the benefits of the different methods of treating ADD, and suffer the costs of not treating ADD. ADD medications can be a very useful tool, but pills don’t teach skills. They can help put you in a better postion to learn them, but you still need to learn them.
The Harvard/NYU/W.H.O. adult ADHD screener test takes 5 minutes to do and is one of the most popular pages on my ADD resource website.
If you have a spouse who has ADD, you might consider checking out the ADHD Partner Yahoo E-Group. Seems like a pretty active group.
One of the many reasons I focus on the strengths of Adults with ADD is to encourage those people (usually men but not always) who might otherwise be afraid of admitting they might have ADD to get a diagnosis.
One reason they don’t seek a diagnosis of ADHD is because they’re afraid someone might use it as yet another negative label to beat them up with and use against them as a weapon.
Another is the John Wayne myth, that a real man doesn’t ever need anyone to help him. Bullshit.
A real man seeks help when it would be useful to him, and offers it to others as well. It’s a sign of weakness to be afraid to ask for help, not a sign of strength. It shows that you’re scared of what other people might think of you and let their opinions and judgments or fear of them determine how you live your life.
If you were in denial about having ADD, and got diagnosed and treated, what got you to change your mind and seek help? Was it worth it?
[...] Some people especially men with ADHD stay in denial about having ADHD, in some cases they need to be on their 2nd or 3rd wife until they clue in. Or their 4th or 5th job they’ve been fired from/had to quit before getting fired. [...]
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My boyfriend/Husband been together for 9 yrs and it has been hell .he has nine children total. one is ours and he is the only reason i put up with this disorder you see he lives in this fanticy world and think if he relies on god and he reads the bible and gose every now in then to church he will be ok but i ask him if he belives in god why dose,nt th treat me with respect or talk or try to work on are relation ship in my heart i think my time is up becaues he has left every family he has ever started … when he feel strong enought to drink he dose and oh my god .Then all Hell brakes loose he runs every where talk a lot of crap its realy something else he is mean well drink or not he is phicialy and emotional abusive to me and are son ..what should i do i think there is nothing i can but say good buy now ..he walk out the door always and never says any thing one day he says iam his wife and other days iam nothing .and he is always in denile never wants to see the real cause or
mabe that just realy how he thinks righ now its so bak he said to me he will bash everthing in with a bat in our house and he just walk over to see what iam doning and la laugh histraicly .he also said dont use my car any more. lost in this mess people see his actions i say nothing . They see hiom running laugh talk on his cell phone and they are in wow whats wrong with him oh just egnor that but they say why are you with him .he makes me feel unwanted and never sticks to one job and has every excuse for doing so .every where he works he gets hurt and here we go disability and still pays child support for some of there children why one just lives 20 min away and takes no intrest in her. i feel so badfor here.any way you know how ADD/ADHD people act …just i dont know any more he trying to munipulate me in to thing some thing is wrong with me …thanks for lessoning to me and sorry about my spelling its not all the great….Miss Case
Comment by Terry A Case August 16, 2008 @
Hi Terry, sounds like he’s got a lot more problems than just ADHD. He’s violent and abusive and you should contact someone that can help you like a crisis line or a women’s crisis/domestic abuse phone line.
You don’t have to do it alone and if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your child. Good luck
Comment by Pete Quily August 17, 2008 @