Melissa Orlov has a great post that’s a must read to help the ADD male understand what some non ADD wives want from them. Great title too, The Care and Feeding of a Non-ADD Spouse.
Unfortunately a lot of men who have Adult ADD are in denial about how their ADD related behaviors affects their wives. Or, they minimize the true impact untreated ADD has on their marriage. Some men need to be on their third wife before they begin to take their ADHD seriously, ie ADD medications are useful, but they won’t teach you self awareness and skills. Sometimes I coach men with adult ADD just around relationships, they have a high stimulation job and adequate support systems at work but are on the verge of divorce at home because they’re not managing their negative ADHD symptoms.
Perhaps you’ve seen the movie “What Women Want”? This is what I think you would hear if you were Mel Gibson and could hear your wife’s thoughts.
here’s a few ones:
Thoughts and actions are not equally satisfying: You may be thinking about me a lot, but when you are off in your own world, or distracted by something else, I have no way of knowing that. To me, it feels as if you almost never think of me. It makes me sad. In the future, can you take a few seconds and show me through actions, not thoughts, that you are thinking of me? A short kiss, an “I love you” or some other action will mean a lot to me.
I’m working really hard at this relationship, but sometimes despair because it doesn’t feel to me like you are, too: I’m not asking that we meet in the exact middle. But sometimes I despair that we’ll never meet at all! I need attention, and one form of attention is having you take my needs seriously enough to show an effort in my direction. This gets back to the “thoughts and actions” are not the same as ideas notion. I want to be happy around you (and you want me to be happy around you – it’s so much easier that way!) but it’s hard to keep always trying without seeing any reciprocal action
ADDer have a higher rate of divorce than non ADDers.
If you’re a woman married to (or were married to) an male with adult ADHD, what advice would you give men with Adult ADHD to help them have a better marriage/avoid divorce?
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
I think a lot of that article could apply to any ADD/non-ADD relationship, regardless of gender(s).
They definitely could Miss Lynx,
but they often seem to be more of a problem with ADDers than non ADD people, and not understanding AND not acting on them is one of the reasons ADDers have higher divorce rates.
With non ADD men sometimes the problem is mainly awareness and willingness to act. With ADD men it’s awareness, willingness to act, AND the problems of having ADD.
I usually miss the timing on posts. I am not a woman, I am an adult male with ADHD. I just want to point out that you are correct that we are absent minded to our spouse, but the thing I think most well meaning people leave out is – we (ADHDers) can justify in our own minds with explicit detail, the failures on the spouses part, this only fuels the separation. It takes a strong person to get beyond the feeling of “it’s not my fault”.
What Your Non ADD Spouse Wants You To Understand – http://shar.es/aEAG7
If I had found this site a few years ago I wonder if my 19 year marriage would’ve survived.
I am convinced my ex husband is ADD or ADHD. He has even thought he might be but unfortunately does not recognize the effects it may have had on our relationship.
He is a paramedic, and loves the fast pace and adreniline. Our marriage ended after he had a series of affairs and felt like he just didn’t love me any more and couldn’t make that feeling come back. But he flip flopped all through the 6 months it took us to finally separate.
All I can say is, men, question it and don’t be so proud that you won’t seek help or advice from a counselor or therapist. Your relationship is at risk.
Hi B, yes men and women both do that, it’s called rationalization, based on fear too look inside. Very common and very costly.
Too bad Daphne,
maybe you could write a blog post for others to let them know. Maybe if someone did that for you earlier, things might have turned out differently.
I am 46 years old and just found out i have add.My wife would like a divorce now.I have seeked a marriage counsler,and i am seeing a doctor and am on medication. and am now seeing things for the first time from my partners eyes.I am horrified about how i have been and what she has had to put up with.I have tried to explain that i didint have the capacity to understand my issues .I just thougt that how i was,and her complantes were just complaints.I now no that i couldnt have been moor wrong. After seeking help and taking medication i understand why i had so much troubl in school and outher ereas of my life.We have two children 6-9.I am a good father and i am extreemly close with my children.I love my wife derly and commited to seek any help that would make me a better husband,father,and person in general.But my wife has had enough and will not give me the oporatunity to show her that i can make a change for the better.I dont blame her for feeling the way she does. After taking the meds and seeing the doctor i see how my understanding of things have been so wrong I feel amazing gult for putting her through years of frustration. ther is nothing i wouldnt do to keep my family together.But when i ask her to just give me a chance and go to counseling she tells me she is done.I cant emagin life without her. I know i can be thr husband she diservs.I just need the oporatunity to show her.Everything i say is wrong or just to late.I am trying so hard to work om my add but it is so hard when i am loosing the person i love so much. ESpecialy with understanding how much i have hurt her.At this point i am getting so upset and just dont know what to do
I am working so hard every day on my add.But with an ever strugling bussiness in todays economy,and the pressure of supporting my family finatialy,trying to save my marriage that i have such guilt for. It is incresingly difficult to move forward.I am trying not to put to much on my plate.But if we divorce,I will loose all that i have worked for my adult life.my wife,my house,and my children. Its a tuff pill to swallo and incresingly difficult to function and have a smile for my children every day.I have two beautifull kids that i know will be so devistated by a divorce,and that guilt by my hand my sickness is litterly killing me.If i was suffering the confusion of add before this is just such a mountin to overcome i dont see how i am going to make it.I dont expect my wife to forget the past,or make it easy for me ijust need somthing in the way her telling me there is no gaurentee to the outcome but get healthy and we will go from there. that would be so much help.And i know after years of suffering how much that is to ask.But i think it is a resonabl request for some one that is so commited to make change and seek and medication and any arrangment that would at least have the possibility of her understanding i couldint help my self.And how remorsfull i am for here suffering.Over the years my wife has made sugestions that i am sure would have helped,i just couldnt understand.And that makes it worse that i know she was trying.and with my add i couldnt understand.
Hi Steve,
sometimes it may be too late. ADDers are often in denial or minimalization about how their behavior impacts family, friends and work colleagues. Often I get called for ADHD coaching when someones in the middle of a divorce or at the end of one, ideally people should start sooner when trouble arises.
Maybe now you should focus less on trying to get her to go to counselling vs identifying the behaviours you should change and start actually changing them, demonstrating by action that you’re changing things vs just saying give me another chance.
Channel that guilt into action, maybe get someone who knows ADHD like an ADHD coach or therapist to help you learn those skills and self awareness and awareness of others that you need to know. Maybe pick one behavior at a time and focus on improving that.
I have no denial of what has happend from my add.but if my wife was an alchaholic or substance abuser or had a mental ilness I certinly would get her help before kicking her to the curb . I never denied tretment or help,it was never suggested and I didint have the capacity to help my self.I have never lost a job,i paid all bills taxes and ins and maitnence on cars.I coached my sons sports teams.Idid all that despite add.I failed in communication and follow up on her requests.And i would never minimilize what she had to deal or her needs .Itake full responsibilty.But with two small children and my absalute commitment there is no resonable solution to a divorce.Without first seeing if we could recconnect as i get mantaly healthy.I want her to be who she is thats whyn i married her.And I knowthat should be her first priority.but not i am done after i have had 4 weeks on meds and therapy.She also has issues from her alchoholic abusif step father wich she refuses to acknowlige wich she will bring into any relationship she gets into and our children.This not just my opinion phsycotheripst,phsycoligist,and her mother.Its not time to just divorce and move on All issues should put on the table with profetional help at least.
Hi Steve, this is denial
“I just thought that how i was, and her complantes were just complaints. I know now that i couldnt
have been more wrong.”
Sounds like you’re no longer in denial and actively working at improving yourself and are on the right track. I hope it’s not too late for you too.
You might want to look at the ADHD and marriage blog by Dr. Ed Hallowell and Melissa Orlov, especially the comments on the posts as well as maybe getting his new book coming out march 16th available to preorder now
Married to Distraction: Restoring Intimacy and Strengthening Your Marriage in an Age of Interruption
Best of luck
Thank you, I will work harder at this than i have any thing in my life.My children need a healthy father.And as much as I believ that I have been a good father I also realize with add how that perception can be clouded in my mind. So i wil forever work on my add any outher issues to be the best father i can be.And i reccomend any one in my position to listen to your spouse and work on your issues.Because divorce with children is the most heart wrenching thing a family can go through.I also ask of your spouses that sombody with add that gives a real commitment to change and move forward is at least trying were they couldnt before. change does not come overnight. And even if you cant renconnect you understand that you both tried to do this with some one that has commited and addmitted to there falts.And that you have truly shown your spouse remorse and understanding for what they have gone through no matter what the outcome.
Dear Steve,
I stumbled upon your post and know exactly how you feel, have been there a couple of times myself.
I understand the pouring out of the soul you are expressing and there is nothing wrong with doing that, however if I could give you a bit of advice from my own past.
Try to avoid forcing your new found views on your wife and making her understand.
Women have a habit of feeling scared and panicky when cornered, it is easy to come across as a desperate crazy man when trying to get her to see or believe that you are seeing the world thru new eyes a “changed man” Let her work this out for herself.
Actions speak louder than words, sometimes backing off is more productive, LESS IS MORE.
Try making time (and sticking to it) to doing a few things revolving around just you and the kids, things like plan a BBQ or picnic with the kids somewhere they like or a day fishing, (does not matter if you know there are no fish..lol) and nothing fancy or OTT, just some Quality time.
Invite her but be quite happy for to not come, things like this are things that women like to see and if it does not work out it is a good and necessary start into maintaining a relationship with your children should the worst happen.
Good Luck and be Cool
I am the wife of an adder and for 33 years I have been the adult care giver. I have had extreme stress putting up with this man that I love, and I have had accidents and illnesses that were in most part due to the stress. I am tired of saying, “Pay attention”, “you don’t get it, do you”, “you make everything harder that it is” etc etc. Now that I found out what it is (his behavior), he vehemently denies it and says that I’m the one with it. I see the behavior in his some of his siblings and father. Several of them have divorced twice. They are really lost, but are too proud and arrogant to get help or even to admit to it.
Hello, I have been in a relationship with a man who has ADHD. It helped that I am in school to be a therapist and was able to identify those behaviors. He finally decided to get help (after missing 3 appointments) and now he only has one more adhd test to go. I am kind of nervous about getting married after researching and seeing how many people get divorced because of this. I do love him, but I am irritated and wonder if this will get better. He doesnt have the best self esteem and his family doesnt help (they are very negative people). I dont know what to do!
Great, but I’m the one with ADD, not my hubby, the most patient man in the whole universe. Any tips for men dealing with flighty ladies like myself (as I’m sure it’s a completely different experience)? I drive him nuts, but I’m cute
Links or comments or both, I’m not picky.
From my 25 year experience with an ADD husband who refused medication and counseling till recently, living with ADD as a spouse is a lonely and fearful existence. When you have made sacrifices over and over again in an attempt to make up for your ADD spouse’s bad choices and neglect, it is very painful to be asked to make even one more compromise. My advice to spouses who are ADD would be not to delay one more minute in getting the help you need to be successful in your marriage. No more denial….No more excuses. You must be the one to make the sacrifices to refill your spouse’s emotional bank account. You can’t ask someone who is empty of emotion towards you to make a sacrifice for your good when you have neglected the welfare of your family. Don’t wait for one more sunrise to begin loving your spouse or you won’t have a spouse to love. Don’t wait for your spouse to finally give an ultimatum for getting help before you wake up from the hibernation in your “cave”. This is what my ADD spouse did, and I have hope that our marriage will survive, but at the same time, I would rather be by myself than live alone with a neglectful ADD spouse for the remainder of my days till I take my last breath. Living with an ADD spouse is a very lonely and unloving existence.
These are some of the best posts I’ve read. I thank-you all! My husband is newly diagnosed with ADHD but will not seek treatment. He cried all the way through The FIREPROOF movie, but nothing changed, he read me the list from men are from mars women are from venus, about what you can do to score points with a woman then never did any of them. We read and discussed the LOVE LANGUAGES, again, no changes, Marriage counseling-resulted in the therapist telling him to lead the marriage-He clearly can’t. We Have been together for 15 years. Miserable for 8 years. I went into this marriage saying one thing, I will not go down as a Nag! So, we just don’t communicate. Lists don’t work, talking doesn’t work. What else is there?
I am living with someone with ADHD. I have done as much as I can in researching about ADHD and understanding it from my partner’s point of view. But no matter how much I try to “coach” him or to support him, he does not put as much effort on his part to better control his ADHD behaviours and thoughts. I’m considering leaving him because I feel I tried as much as I can and he doesn’t put enough effort into saving the relationship. It breaks my heart because he is such a great person but I cannot handle the clutter, anger outbursts, forgetfulness, lateness, etc.
You’re assuming it’s effort. You’re also assuming someone has taught him the skills on how to manage ADHD successfully. Are those assumptions both correct? Also you should never coach or do therapy on your spouse, you’re too attached to be effective, that’s why outside independent objective coaches are more effective
Thanks for your response. I don’t assume that he has been taught the skills to manage his ADHD. I encourage him to use post-it notes, simplifying his routines to reduce forgetfulness, etc.
I have been reading a lot of books and doing research online because my partner does not have the “skills” to do this. He is appreciative of my effort and when he tries techniques it eventually falls by the wayside. It’s the will and staying power he finds difficult to maintain and I understand this is part of an ADHD mind (being distracted, etc.)
I’m feeling like an enabler and I agree that I cannot be as objective as you would be. I have tried to get him to try your coaching last year and he refused adamantly. I try not to push things too hard for him as he gets irritated and upset. But then nothing gets achieved. I’m hoping each time he will aquiese a little bit at a time and try coaching.
His work hours are very erratic and that is what makes having a routine difficult. Otherwise, I’m sure he’d be able to do counselling or coaching.
I think you have the best information I’ve seen so far and I thank you for doing a great job.
Thanks Maxi,
Sounds like you’ve read a lot about ADHD, that’s good many spouses don’t and just assume its a moral problem or other adhd myths.
It may not be will and staying power, but specific strategies that are customized to work for him vs someone else. Often will power is a word for strategies that work for me and add moral tone. It seems you’re trying your best and putting in a lot of time and effort. And pushing does usually activate the oppositional defiant disorder in ADDers.
Perhaps right now you might consider switching the focus from him to getting help for you in what you’re going through by someone that focuses specifically on spouses of people with adhd ie Melissa Orlov of adhdmarriage.com
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