both Gina and Melissa are married to ADHD husbands, hence the natural focus for them more on males with adhd in relationships vs women. Sometimes some people write about men with adhd and don’t clarify traits of men vs adhd traits or traits of the comorbidities ie narcissism, etc.

Often women with adhd will internalize (depression, anxiety, self doubt) while men with adhd will more often externalize, (ODD, denial, anger) of course that’s in general and there are exceptions. Sari Solden and Kathleen Nadeau have written books specifically on women and adhd, I don’t know if there’s a site like adhdmarriage.com specifically focused on women with adhd in relationships. Maybe someone else does.

As someone who coach both women and men with ADHD, I’d suggest whether you’re a woman or a man, the most important thing to do is to focusing on learning to understand how adhd impacts you specifically in the different areas of your life, relationships, career, finances, social life etc and find ways in which to learn how to manage it more effectively. See my post The Top 10 Ways to Manage Adult ADHD
for some ideas.

FYI often the adhd guys in denial have such deep shame about it and don’t know how to manage it, and never been taught how to, they get tired of being frustrated with it and just turtle up and go into denial. Often the adhd women have more guilt and are at least open to talk about it (compared to most, not all of the men).

Sadly few medical professionals are trained to deal with adhd, less with adult adhd, and even less with women with ADHD.

For instance, based on my own experience & a lot of the reading I’ve done, it seems women with ADD are often all too aware of the impact their behaviour has on others and are eaten up with guilt about it, which leads to a whole different set of issues compared to the more “oblivious” attitude of many men with ADD (I realise this is a gross generalisation and there are many men with ADD who do recognise the impact their ADD has on others, and who feel equally guilty, but on average this seems to be more of an issue with women than men. Most of the time I read men expressing this view it has only come after they have started treatment & had their eyes opened to what they have been like!). These gender differences might be due to the way females are raised to be rather than some innate difference – from an early age we are expected to be perceptive about other people’s feelings and are raised to be “people pleasers” more than men are.

A lot of the stuff I’ve read seems to paint the ADDer as lacking self-awareness, low in empathy, in denial, overbearing in their behaviour, and tending to fall into a pattern of letting their partner take on all responsibility & be like a parent to them. Most of this just doesn’t sound a lot like the problems I have (and no, I’m not just in denial & lacking awareness of my issues!! I’ve been battling for most of my adult life to get some recognition & help with my ADD, and have been trying everything I can think of to help myself improve. I am all too aware of the massively destructive impact that ADD has had on my life & that of the people around me).

Anyway, I’ll stop my rambling but I was just hoping someone might have some pointers on good sources of advice for those of us who are female ADDers married to a non-ADD man?

Sounds like you’ve read a lot about ADHD, that’s good many spouses don’t and just assume its a moral problem or other adhd myths.

It may not be will and staying power, but specific strategies that are customized to work for him vs someone else. Often will power is a word for strategies that work for me and add moral tone. It seems you’re trying your best and putting in a lot of time and effort. And pushing does usually activate the oppositional defiant disorder in ADDers.

Perhaps right now you might consider switching the focus from him to getting help for you in what you’re going through by someone that focuses specifically on spouses of people with adhd ie Melissa Orlov of adhdmarriage.com

Glad you like my site.

I have been reading a lot of books and doing research online because my partner does not have the “skills” to do this. He is appreciative of my effort and when he tries techniques it eventually falls by the wayside. It’s the will and staying power he finds difficult to maintain and I understand this is part of an ADHD mind (being distracted, etc.)

I’m feeling like an enabler and I agree that I cannot be as objective as you would be. I have tried to get him to try your coaching last year and he refused adamantly. I try not to push things too hard for him as he gets irritated and upset. But then nothing gets achieved. I’m hoping each time he will aquiese a little bit at a time and try coaching.

His work hours are very erratic and that is what makes having a routine difficult. Otherwise, I’m sure he’d be able to do counselling or coaching.

I think you have the best information I’ve seen so far and I thank you for doing a great job.

Links or comments or both, I’m not picky.