Comments on: What Your Non ADD Spouse Wants You To Understand

By: Pete Quily

Pete Quily — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 09:01:19 +0000

Thanks Maxi,

Sounds like you’ve read a lot about ADHD, that’s good many spouses don’t and just assume its a moral problem or other adhd myths.

It may not be will and staying power, but specific strategies that are customized to work for him vs someone else. Often will power is a word for strategies that work for me and add moral tone. It seems you’re trying your best and putting in a lot of time and effort. And pushing does usually activate the oppositional defiant disorder in ADDers.

Perhaps right now you might consider switching the focus from him to getting help for you in what you’re going through by someone that focuses specifically on spouses of people with adhd ie Melissa Orlov of adhdmarriage.com

Glad you like my site.

By: Maxi

Maxi — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 20:56:26 +0000

Thanks for your response. I don’t assume that he has been taught the skills to manage his ADHD. I encourage him to use post-it notes, simplifying his routines to reduce forgetfulness, etc.

I have been reading a lot of books and doing research online because my partner does not have the “skills” to do this. He is appreciative of my effort and when he tries techniques it eventually falls by the wayside. It’s the will and staying power he finds difficult to maintain and I understand this is part of an ADHD mind (being distracted, etc.)

I’m feeling like an enabler and I agree that I cannot be as objective as you would be. I have tried to get him to try your coaching last year and he refused adamantly. I try not to push things too hard for him as he gets irritated and upset. But then nothing gets achieved. I’m hoping each time he will aquiese a little bit at a time and try coaching.

His work hours are very erratic and that is what makes having a routine difficult. Otherwise, I’m sure he’d be able to do counselling or coaching.

I think you have the best information I’ve seen so far and I thank you for doing a great job.

By: Pete Quily

Pete Quily — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 21:11:53 +0000

You’re assuming it’s effort. You’re also assuming someone has taught him the skills on how to manage ADHD successfully. Are those assumptions both correct? Also you should never coach or do therapy on your spouse, you’re too attached to be effective, that’s why outside independent objective coaches are more effective

By: Maxi

Maxi — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 08:28:51 +0000

I am living with someone with ADHD. I have done as much as I can in researching about ADHD and understanding it from my partner’s point of view. But no matter how much I try to “coach” him or to support him, he does not put as much effort on his part to better control his ADHD behaviours and thoughts. I’m considering leaving him because I feel I tried as much as I can and he doesn’t put enough effort into saving the relationship. It breaks my heart because he is such a great person but I cannot handle the clutter, anger outbursts, forgetfulness, lateness, etc.

By: Stephanie D

Stephanie D — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 14:12:52 +0000

These are some of the best posts I’ve read. I thank-you all! My husband is newly diagnosed with ADHD but will not seek treatment. He cried all the way through The FIREPROOF movie, but nothing changed, he read me the list from men are from mars women are from venus, about what you can do to score points with a woman then never did any of them. We read and discussed the LOVE LANGUAGES, again, no changes, Marriage counseling-resulted in the therapist telling him to lead the marriage-He clearly can’t. We Have been together for 15 years. Miserable for 8 years. I went into this marriage saying one thing, I will not go down as a Nag! So, we just don’t communicate. Lists don’t work, talking doesn’t work. What else is there?

By: petunia

petunia — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 00:32:26 +0000

From my 25 year experience with an ADD husband who refused medication and counseling till recently, living with ADD as a spouse is a lonely and fearful existence. When you have made sacrifices over and over again in an attempt to make up for your ADD spouse’s bad choices and neglect, it is very painful to be asked to make even one more compromise. My advice to spouses who are ADD would be not to delay one more minute in getting the help you need to be successful in your marriage. No more denial….No more excuses. You must be the one to make the sacrifices to refill your spouse’s emotional bank account. You can’t ask someone who is empty of emotion towards you to make a sacrifice for your good when you have neglected the welfare of your family. Don’t wait for one more sunrise to begin loving your spouse or you won’t have a spouse to love. Don’t wait for your spouse to finally give an ultimatum for getting help before you wake up from the hibernation in your “cave”. This is what my ADD spouse did, and I have hope that our marriage will survive, but at the same time, I would rather be by myself than live alone with a neglectful ADD spouse for the remainder of my days till I take my last breath. Living with an ADD spouse is a very lonely and unloving existence.

By: Elizabeth

Elizabeth — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 22:08:49 +0000

Great, but I’m the one with ADD, not my hubby, the most patient man in the whole universe. Any tips for men dealing with flighty ladies like myself (as I’m sure it’s a completely different experience)? I drive him nuts, but I’m cute

Links or comments or both, I’m not picky.

By: Ads

Ads — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 14:45:19 +0000

Hello, I have been in a relationship with a man who has ADHD. It helped that I am in school to be a therapist and was able to identify those behaviors. He finally decided to get help (after missing 3 appointments) and now he only has one more adhd test to go. I am kind of nervous about getting married after researching and seeing how many people get divorced because of this. I do love him, but I am irritated and wonder if this will get better. He doesnt have the best self esteem and his family doesnt help (they are very negative people). I dont know what to do!

By: lalaland

lalaland — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 00:33:28 +0000

I am the wife of an adder and for 33 years I have been the adult care giver. I have had extreme stress putting up with this man that I love, and I have had accidents and illnesses that were in most part due to the stress. I am tired of saying, “Pay attention”, “you don’t get it, do you”, “you make everything harder that it is” etc etc. Now that I found out what it is (his behavior), he vehemently denies it and says that I’m the one with it. I see the behavior in his some of his siblings and father. Several of them have divorced twice. They are really lost, but are too proud and arrogant to get help or even to admit to it.

By: Andy L

Andy L — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 05:37:58 +0000

Dear Steve,

I stumbled upon your post and know exactly how you feel, have been there a couple of times myself.
I understand the pouring out of the soul you are expressing and there is nothing wrong with doing that, however if I could give you a bit of advice from my own past.
Try to avoid forcing your new found views on your wife and making her understand.
Women have a habit of feeling scared and panicky when cornered, it is easy to come across as a desperate crazy man when trying to get her to see or believe that you are seeing the world thru new eyes a “changed man” Let her work this out for herself.
Actions speak louder than words, sometimes backing off is more productive, LESS IS MORE.
Try making time (and sticking to it) to doing a few things revolving around just you and the kids, things like plan a BBQ or picnic with the kids somewhere they like or a day fishing, (does not matter if you know there are no fish..lol) and nothing fancy or OTT, just some Quality time.
Invite her but be quite happy for to not come, things like this are things that women like to see and if it does not work out it is a good and necessary start into maintaining a relationship with your children should the worst happen.

Good Luck and be Cool