I Can Hardly See Anything.
“I can’t see. I don’t mean I am legally blind or that my glasses don’t work. It is like my brain is moving so fast that I can’t find objects right in front of me.
Picture zooming down hill on a bicycle and everything you see flying past. It’s kind of like that, only my brain is the thing zooming. In the morning, before medications kicks in, I walk in circles forgetting what I was looking for and/or unable to see it when it is right in front of me.
Often I look in the same place three times before I notice it is there. It’s kind of like real life is a game of hidden pictures.
Where are my glasses? Most people can see where they are “hiding” but I am like the five-year old who can’t find the glasses on the table-I see the dark stained wooden table, but not the dark rimmed glasses. If I want to find my keys I shake my purse first-if I can hear them, I can find them.
As for remembering things, I have countless planners I have used and forgotten about. One day it is in my purse or bag, the next day it is left on some shelf and I forget it existed. I am lost in a maze of words and concepts in my head, unable to escape my thinking, but loving “ideas” and trying to find one I can do something with.
When I was about 7 or 8 I remember praying “dear God please shut off my brain so I can sleep.” It is buzzy.
I have the inattentive type of ADHD so I don’t always appear hyper-just kind of lost. Life is overwhelming like being stuck in the middle of a tornado with things flying out and coming at you which need to be dealt with.
Everyday is a struggle against the clock, against yourself. People get frustrated and disappointed with you and you feel like a failure…
And then once in a while your fast and flashy brain comes up with a special insight or a creative project or solution that earns you some respect. You think outside the box and sometimes that is great.
Other times you will feel like you are being denied access to your full intelligence. Like you are not reaching your full potential.
So you find things you can do on your own that make you feel good. Jogging, writing poetry, cooking without a recipe. You remember to be grateful for what you have, and not what you lack. Nobody’s perfect.”
By Tara Baxter.
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